Spaced out...
I finally have a few minutes to try and analyze my
emotions, and the thoughts going through what’s left of my mind. Thankfully, I’ve been distracted by
work, but there’s no running away from this. Thanks to dementedkitty, and any of you out there with a kind thought for this PenTalker.
A lot has happened since that day…and yet, nothing
has.
So she used the buzzword that has refused to fade into
obscurity: “space”. And of course,
there’s that other one: “friendship”. Very innocent, ordinary words on their
own…but nowadays, you really don’t want to hear them in the same sentence. Unless it’s in something like “Our
friendship depends on you giving me more closet space.” Or “Let’s cherish each other now,
‘cause there’s nothing like friendship in space” which sounds like something a
cult leader would say, just a few days before getting everyone to drink some
cyanide to prepare them for the aliens coming to translate them into the
space-time continuum. Or an episode
of Star Trek. The point is, when
you do hear those words together, it tends to not be so good. If you can come up with sentences that
use both words but don’t mean “see ya!”, let me have
‘em.
But, it appears I overreacted. She didn’t mean for it to be final, nor did she want us to cut off all contact. See, cynical me saw the offer of friendship as that attempt to lessen the blow, right before your heart is flung against the wall, breaking into a million pieces, some of which will be impossible to find as you try to put it back together again with some amazing, invisible scotch tape – ready just in time to be broken by the next person who becomes “the one true love of your life”. Makes you think, doesn’t it?
Makes me think I find it hard to just make a point
without veering off on a tangent.
Anyway, the point is we had a whirlwind beginning, and now we’re going to
take it slow, so that the foundation will be a little more stable. So, I didn’t get dumped. Although we’re not dating anymore, and
it wasn’t me who made that decision.
“A rose by any other name…” I hear you
say?
Actually, I understand her perfectly. We may get back together…and then it
will have moved beyond goose bumps from a smile, a touch…a word. Then it will be “I love you and am
committed to us…even if I don’t like you right now.” At least, I hope that’s what she
means. But what if we don’t? What
if incompatibility is more than skin deep? I am not unaware of the
possibility…but can only see so far into the future. (2 weeks and 13 hours, to be
exact.)
There are many things I’m not sure of…like who invented
the word “invention”, why cars don’t fly yet? (They did in all those movies made
a decade ago about the 2000-plus era…) like why Madonna thinks she can act, and
why Guy lets her…like why I’ve never kissed Halle Berry, and why the hell I’m
not a millionaire.
But I am sure that I love her. And I know she didn’t feed me a line
because, so far, her definition of space has not been clearly stated…nothing’s
really changed. Confuses the hell
out of me. How do you define
“space”? And I don’t want responses from those of you with restraining
orders. Just the regular folk,
whose friendship depends on closet space.
No, things are definitely unchanged in deed…but I dread that change so
much, I’m trying to instigate it so we can get it over with. I’m trying to push
her into that space…closet…whatever.
So that we may have a chance to survive the more troublesome pitfalls
ahead. So that we may each be
strong enough in ourselves to be the other’s strength in times of weakness. So that the “stuff” our love is made of
can be revealed.
So that I can lose the fear of losing you.
