Infected by foolishness
Seems like I’ve been a fool most of my life, and apparently see no reason to stop.
Is it an instantaneous decision we make to let go of the things that fool us into making fools of ourselves?
Or are we just tossed around by every wave the universe sends our way,
defined by the predilections and preconceptions installed in our beings by a force we cannot ever understand or control….
But I think I’m ready to quit on some of those things I employed to search for joy and bliss that continually elude me
Once again, I will make my body and mind celibate, unmoved by the allure of things and people that ever fail to live up to the
dreams my imagination builds around them
Castles in the sky I am letting passing me by…
I give up wholeheartedly on the quest to emotionally connect with one who is for me, and who I am for…
For if the third time’s the charm, I should have given up a long time ago.
I blame the intoxication of illusionary relationships that subconsciously drive the need for more and more of the same,
Even when it’s killing you less than softly, your heart in a whirlwind of successive elation and depression.
I refuse to submit to the cold comfort of self-pity.
In all probability all I have experienced I brought on myself, so I will accept my due recompense without murmur…
No, I tell a lie…
I will rail at the fate that defined who I am and would be without consultation…
The clay that formed me into the kind of “me” that would induce self-suffering.
My understanding of the human psyche and emotional needs and voids…my impressive catalogue of relationship counsel and
comprehension
has served to help countless others, but never me.
Practice what I preach?
Oh really?
I started this with foolishness, and that is all I have known.
I used to work the airwaves…carefully polishing an image of Oprah, Dr. Phil, Martin Luther King, Bob Marley, Fela Kuti and
Mother Teresa all rolled into one.
But even then the true me could not be hidden from those who knew ME.
Fuck “knew me”…5 minutes in my presence would serve to burst your enthusiastic faith and belief in my gift for
understanding.
The irony being, as I said…that I did understand.
What mind unseen created this weighty contradiction that enabled me to simultaneously save the drowning, and yet commit
progressive suicide?
Hypocrite that I am…I am that hypocrite.
The same words, a world of meaning between them.
So I have decided to shed the garbs of pretense and let whatever would be me at whatever time actually be me.
This is my life. This is me. I will accept it, give in to it…
There are millions of lonely people in the world…
What vanity is it that convinced me I didn’t deserve to be one?
There are millions still with flawed personas…why pretend I am otherwise.?
I hear the announcer say again loudly “This is your life. Suck it up.”
And I will.
Being gay is not an issue anymore for me.
I am on neither side of the divide.
I simply live and breathe…I simply exist.
I found no love that lasted whilst I was with men
Nothing much has changed.
And frankly, I cease to care.
To the skeptic I say – should any care to ask – I’ve done it before.
For many, many years.
And no doubt so it shall be.
To those who would ascribe my tirade merely to the bitterness that follows being dumped…
I will refrain from saying “Fuck you”
But I will conclude you are simplistic beyond definition...
and have never gone through the cyclical story retold endlessly by a world in its attempt to get a message across…
There are many people who are alone and emotionally stunted…
Why the fuck shouldn’t I be one of them?
So I have declared my intention to withdraw from the world “getting in touch with its feelings…
Yipee…So who the fuck cares.
