crush me gently...
I’ve reached a decision…one that I feel will take care of all my problems re: love life (or the lack of one, to be more precise.) For details on the whole “love story”, see almost every single post since this blog was born. Or just read half of them…trust me: history does repeat itself.
Back to my decision. You know how they say your real troubles begin when you get what you want? Well, strictly speaking, those troubles arise when you lose what it was you wanted after you got it. I think. If that sentence made any sense. Whatever. The point is, maybe it’s better not to get what you want. So, maybe it’s better to just stay in a state of longing (New Jersey)…Pound for pound, this may weigh less than the pain you get after you get what you want and then lose it. After you get a tantalizing taste…a whisper of promise…it’s pretty hard to go back to nothing.
I have decided to plan my next crush meticulously. I surveyed a number of women, and came up with a shortlist from which I made my selection. These women had to meet truly rigorous requirements: there had to be no possibility that we would ever meet in this lifetime. Plus, there had to be 100% no danger of them falling for me if by some quirk of fate we did happen to run into one another.
You’ve probably figured it out by now…yup, that’s right: Straight, beautiful…celebrities. I am going to pursue the healthy – well, comparatively healthy – pastime of lusting after the “beautiful people” from a distance. Note the “from a distance” bit. That’s so you don’t think I have decided to become a friendly neighborhood stalker to the stars. I mean, that would be crazy. What if they notice and fall in love with me? No…that would be weird.
I had quite a list…but eventually settled on Elizabeth Mitchell. You know, Angelina Jolie’s girlfriend in Gia. God…I hope she really is straight. She plays straight real well on NBC’s “The Lyon’s Den”…but could that be – shudder – acting?
I’ve put her picture up. Now, I have to make myself write about her all the time. All the imaginary conversations we’d have if we – god forbid - met.
Maybe I shouldn’t write anything here about her. What if she stumbles across my blog and is so moved by my words that all the attraction she felt for Ms Jolie during the filming of Gia comes rushing back, and she wakes up to the fact that she’s a...lesbian? And promptly falls into my arms? At least, that’s how it’ll turn out in my daydreams. Then, she’ll email me…and we’ll hook up and live happily ever after.
Note to self: do not respond to email by anyone named “Elizabeth”, no matter how many times they claim not to be Ms Mitchell.
Ok. I’m all set. And if it works out, I’ll have a new crush every month. That should help keep me from falling too deeply for any of them. If you have any suggestions for my “crush list”, feel free to email me. And I’ll try not to get a crush on you, while I’m at it. So you can send your own pictures as well.
That’s all she wrote, folks. Goodnight. I have a dream to get back to...
